Scoville Units Unite

Well, they’ve been busy haven’t they. After delivering an analysis of how an independent Scotland would fare, using Westminster data, the IFS have got straight to work this morning. As well as reading the entire 670 page document and inputting all the data, they have produced a documentary showing the likliest outcome.

They shared with me an exclusive preview of the work set for release later this week. It shows that just 27 years after independence:

• Alex Salmond set up as a feudal lord in the Highlands
• Public services reduced to a single steam train
• Glasgow becoming a cannibal wasteland
• A new Hadrians Wall having to be made to keep out refugees fleeing Scotland
• A decline in farming resulting in wild cows roaming previously populated areas
• The only music around being cheesy stuff from the 80s (hinted at the Proclaimers and Fan – Dabi – Dozi by the Krankies but there was not enough data to model this

Alistair Darling was obviously available for comment without having seen it yet. I asked him what he thought of this vision.

Well obviously as a proud, proud Scot who is proudly proud of being Scottish the vision here proposed in the SNP Manifesto for independence is horrifying. Clearly the only way I would want to see Scotland reduced to any kind of wasteland is if there’s an accident with Trident. Or if it looks like the voters will vote for independence. Then they’ll find out what a wasteland is when I work with my colleagues, friends and co-travellers in the Tories to punish them.