Scoville Units Unite » Funny http://agraham.org/blog reviews, rants and random chilli ratings Thu, 26 Aug 2010 17:37:36 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=abc First Search Consultancy http://agraham.org/blog/2010/04/23/first-search-consultancy/ http://agraham.org/blog/2010/04/23/first-search-consultancy/#comments Fri, 23 Apr 2010 11:31:38 +0000 Alan G http://agraham.org/blog/?p=658 I was recently contacted by someone else who had received legal threats from First Search Consultancy. They have since edited and re-published their post about First Search Consultancy.

I recommend reading it. Ryan also says he has a recording proving the claim made by a number of people online and my partner that they say they can guarantee first place in a search on Google. This is of course not possible to do and any company claiming so would be obtaining money from customers by deception.

]]> http://agraham.org/blog/2010/04/23/first-search-consultancy/feed/ 0 Private Eye – ooh err missus http://agraham.org/blog/2010/01/25/private-eye-ooh-err-missus/ http://agraham.org/blog/2010/01/25/private-eye-ooh-err-missus/#comments Mon, 25 Jan 2010 17:38:28 +0000 Alan G http://agraham.org/blog/?p=587 This fortnights edition of Private Eye is quite good.

The two stand-outs for me though were the ingenuously fuelled letter about classical music with the quote the capital is positively stiff with magnificent organs.

The second is the large column with outrage that a comedian has been dumped from a festival, the comedian in question being Paul Merton, he who co-stars with Eye editor Ian Hislop on Have I Got News For You. This got as much disclosure as they look for when the Sun gives 5 star ratings to Fox films though which made me chuckle.

]]> http://agraham.org/blog/2010/01/25/private-eye-ooh-err-missus/feed/ 0 Wordplay http://agraham.org/blog/2009/09/18/wordplay/ http://agraham.org/blog/2009/09/18/wordplay/#comments Fri, 18 Sep 2009 16:52:18 +0000 Alan G http://agraham.org/blog/?p=504 One of the areas I wanted to write a few pieces about, but have neglected, was the strangeness of the English language.

Those that know me in person know I love puns and wordplay. I can generally be found giggling at something which amuses me which I then have to explain to others who hadn’t noticed it, or in some cases had but hadn’t been amused and then are annoyed at me explaining it to them. To quote Brian Keenan in Blind Flight

The Englishman is funny,’ he says, ‘He makes me laugh. The Irishman is witty, he makes me think.’

I’ll dump a few random pieces here so that if I don’t get back to the subject I have at least written something about it.

Lisp

A lisp is a speech impediment which causes people to have trouble pronouncing the letter S. The word lisp has difficulty being pronounced without using said letter. Which cruel shit decided to name it so?

Speech impediment

Seeing the wikipedia article on lisp reminded me of number 2 on the list: speech impediment. See: lisp, how does someone with a stammer communicate they have a speech impediment with dignity? Again with the cruelty etc.

Abbreviation

An abbreviation is a shortened version of a word. Doctor may be abbreviated to Dr. You can see the clever wee bit of HTML there? That allows you to expand the text using a variety of means to see the full version of the word. The HTML tag for abbreviations is abbreviated to <abbr> due to length.

There were others I had come across and neglected to put up. Do you have a favourite ironic word or phrase? Maybe you call an ambulance when you hear some illiterate prat exclaim my arm has just literally fallen off?. Post yours in the comments.

]]> http://agraham.org/blog/2009/09/18/wordplay/feed/ 0 Polo and Posh Portaloos http://agraham.org/blog/2009/09/14/polo-and-posh-portaloos/ http://agraham.org/blog/2009/09/14/polo-and-posh-portaloos/#comments Mon, 14 Sep 2009 18:34:20 +0000 Alan G http://agraham.org/blog/?p=501 On Saturday, Genna and I attended an event with a group who funded her business. They had some space at a corporate event day.

Anyhoo, the two amusing things prompting the title.

Firstly posh portaloos. They had hired the poshest portaloos I had ever seen. The sinks were bowls on raised daises. They had motion sensor activated taps. To dry your hands there were no paper towels – only small disposable towels to be dumped in a bin and presumably washed afterwards. You don’t see these at T in the Park.

Anyhoo we then retired to an afternoon of polo. A game I had never seen played before. I can’t imagine why I played football as a kid. All you needed was a ball between 20-odd of you. For polo the entry-level requirements are a bit less – 2 horses and one of the eight of you to have access to a flat marked out area the size of three football pitches.

It was quite fun to watch for the first half, got a bit boring towards the end, but that was due to the play rather than the game of polo itself.

The commentator was highly amusing, some of the phrases that I remember were:

Joe’s riding Sue hard from behind to stop him playing with Bob.

And he’s just stepping down to examine the horses girth…and seems happy with it

The game was Scotland vs South Africa so hearing And you can now that only the white man is allowed to do that sent a shiver down my spine a bit even though they were referring to the jersey colour.

There was a meal afterwards. Starter was excellent on the second attempt (fish was first), the sweet was an amazing cheesecake. The main was cold steak with a large blob of fat in the centre. All in all a fun day and it was all free for me so I’m not complaining at all.

]]> http://agraham.org/blog/2009/09/14/polo-and-posh-portaloos/feed/ 0 Hannah for president http://agraham.org/blog/2009/09/04/hannah-for-president/ http://agraham.org/blog/2009/09/04/hannah-for-president/#comments Fri, 04 Sep 2009 19:24:25 +0000 Alan G http://agraham.org/blog/?p=497 I have no idea who she is but I like her style

]]> http://agraham.org/blog/2009/09/04/hannah-for-president/feed/ 0 Bow before the king of the nerds http://agraham.org/blog/2009/08/17/bow-before-the-king-of-the-nerds/ http://agraham.org/blog/2009/08/17/bow-before-the-king-of-the-nerds/#comments Mon, 17 Aug 2009 18:47:19 +0000 Alan G http://agraham.org/blog/?p=489 i finally managed to see Rob Deb‘s comedy show. I couldn’t manage the past two years but after seeing the stuff in SciFi Now was more determined to go. Being on earlier made it easier too.

He was really, really funny. Lot’s of nerdy material, references but also stuff non-geeks could get related to his attempt to appear on Britain’s Got Talent (but not the drivel on this show).

I did a search and eventually found his MySpace page. So he loses geek cred for having that as his only online presence, obviously. Was highly amused by a review I found.

Read what this cock has to say.

I could just imagine similar.

As a feminist, mother in law and lesbian I did not appreciate the comedy of Roy Chubby Brown.

Or the like.

Guess what, comedian is targeting his audience by saying it will be lots of geek humour, if you don’t know who Captain Kirk is you probably shouldn’t go along as you will probably be sitting there with a glazed look on your face you numpty.

Rob mentioned overhearing some people looking at his flyers and saying meh, it’s probably about capes n’ shit.

So hopefully he will still be kicking around next year and I can see him again.

Before Rob I also saw two other comedians.

The first, an Australian was ok, he had some good material but a lot was related to lols England sucks at cricket compared to Australia etc. Not only has it been done to death before but no one really gives a shit about cricket in Scotland. His other material was enjoyable though with his sperm test tale being very funny.

The second of the pair was pretty good. His stage persona was just verging on being more enjoyable than funny but his material was really good. Excellent on stage, ditching the mic and just going without.

These were free shows so at the end the comics had a whip round to pay for extravagances like food, rent and the like.

]]> http://agraham.org/blog/2009/08/17/bow-before-the-king-of-the-nerds/feed/ 0 Wi-fi woo http://agraham.org/blog/2009/07/28/wi-fi-woo/ http://agraham.org/blog/2009/07/28/wi-fi-woo/#comments Tue, 28 Jul 2009 19:01:42 +0000 Alan G http://agraham.org/blog/?p=465 Amused today to read about some cretin who claims to be allergic to wi-fi.

Of course it will be no surprise to know the rag source of this garbage is the Hitler supporting Daily Mail.

Of course if such a claim were true the DJ would be in luck, with a profile and a paranormal ability he can go for the Randi $1million Challenge.

Given that previous claimants with similar abilities have not been able to tell when wi-fi signals are on or not his chance of winning is low, but surely it would make his illness bearable to live off a million dollars?

]]> http://agraham.org/blog/2009/07/28/wi-fi-woo/feed/ 0 First Search Consultancy – SEO cowboys with a different technique http://agraham.org/blog/2009/05/18/first-search-consultancy-seo-cowboys-with-a-different-technique/ http://agraham.org/blog/2009/05/18/first-search-consultancy-seo-cowboys-with-a-different-technique/#comments Mon, 18 May 2009 19:33:11 +0000 Alan G http://agraham.org/blog/?p=374 I am used to seeing all the scam letters Genna gets from SEO companies guaranteeing first place on Google etc. Lately she has been getting pestered by phone calls.

Today she had one from Google.

Or at least a company impersonating Google.

The company was First Search Consulting. A bunch of snake-oil selling cowboys.

I won’t link to their shit website as it:

  • Plays music when you load it
  • Doesn’t have valid HTML
  • Will help them in search engines

Amusingly, like all SEO companies, their own search results are pitiful. The only search page keywords which get them on the first page of Google are the company name.

SEO isn’t the only thing they do though, oh no.

They also do Broadband and Web Design.

On broadband, they don’t actually have that yet, but they are taking orders for a too good to be true deal. Their expertise in the area shines through when they mention they need your MAC code, which changes on a monthly basis.

Fuck knows what they mean by that.

A MAC code in relation to broadband would be a code put on your network card when manufactured which stays the same forever unless you go into the guts of the software and intentionally change it. It certainly doesn’t change frequently never mind monthly.

But their web design side.

Holy crap what an abortion.

Their portfolio has 9 examples of their work.

None of which validate.

Nine of which have table based layout.

These fucking cowboys shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near computers.

]]> http://agraham.org/blog/2009/05/18/first-search-consultancy-seo-cowboys-with-a-different-technique/feed/ 20 On your Marks, get set, go! http://agraham.org/blog/2009/05/11/on-your-marks-get-set-go/ http://agraham.org/blog/2009/05/11/on-your-marks-get-set-go/#comments Mon, 11 May 2009 12:01:18 +0000 Alan G http://agraham.org/blog/?p=361 I just finished reading two books I grabbed cheap in Virgin, Zavvi, Head.

First up was Mark Thomas with As Used on the Famous Nelson Mandela: Underground Adventures in the Arms and Torture Trade. This was really interesting, funny and horrifying in equal doses. Some brilliant anecdotes of groups set up to take on arms dealers.

Next was Mark Steel with What’s Going On?: The Meanderings of a Comic Mind in Confusion. I had been looking forward to this as it covers the last ten years or so. Each chapter has a mixture of the disintegration of his private life, the disintegration of any lonely last principles in the Labour Party and the disintegration of his relationship with the SWP.

Each of these is quite depressing and bitter to read and the contrast of the three leads to a real understanding if what he has been going through.

Recently I also read Jack Jones Union Man: Autobiography and have just started on IOU: The Story of the Debt a book I got in Poundland and has a first chapter praising Bono so looks to be pretty shit.

]]> http://agraham.org/blog/2009/05/11/on-your-marks-get-set-go/feed/ 1 Inbetweeners http://agraham.org/blog/2009/05/09/inbetweeners/ http://agraham.org/blog/2009/05/09/inbetweeners/#comments Sat, 09 May 2009 14:39:13 +0000 Alan G http://agraham.org/blog/?p=358 So the Inbetweeners has come to the end of series 2. After the disappointment of series 3 of Skins this was a breath of fresh air. Some really funny moments couple with some really cringe worthy moments.

The final episode had Neil with the best quote of the series though.

ghost stories like Harry Potter and the Bible

So random, I spluttered in giggles.

]]> http://agraham.org/blog/2009/05/09/inbetweeners/feed/ 5 La Rebla Fam – internet lawyers http://agraham.org/blog/2009/05/01/la-rebla-fam-internet-lawyers/ http://agraham.org/blog/2009/05/01/la-rebla-fam-internet-lawyers/#comments Fri, 01 May 2009 11:12:06 +0000 Alan G http://agraham.org/blog/?p=354 It appears the management of La Rebla Fam made a boo boo.

They sent out moronic street teamers. They spammed forums etc. When they spammed UGS the users ripped the piss out of them. Now their management have noticed that the thread on UGS has a Google ranking of 2, just behind the band site. This obviously makes him a bit scared their hordes of fans will see what a bunch of fannies they are.

Their management PHases UK appear to be a bunch of cretins.

Not onlys is their website a single image, but the content of it says they provide Management and Music Solutions

Cocks of the highest order.

]]> http://agraham.org/blog/2009/05/01/la-rebla-fam-internet-lawyers/feed/ 3 Wrong numbers http://agraham.org/blog/2009/04/17/wrong-numbers/ http://agraham.org/blog/2009/04/17/wrong-numbers/#comments Fri, 17 Apr 2009 17:50:20 +0000 Alan G http://agraham.org/blog/?p=342 My landline keeps acting in bizarre fashion. I keep getting wrong numbers and recently someone claimed to have tried to contact me several times and we never got their voicemail.

Just checked the voicemail there and had 2 for Joanne, 1 for Kevin and 1 from a plumber installing a shower in Riverview Terrace and trying to arrange an appointment.

Is my number so similar to other peoples? Do a number of other people have numbers 1 digit away from mine? Previous experience with phone lines is that you get the odd wrong number every few months. I appear to get both persistent wrong numbers and frequent ones for different people from different people.

The problem solver in me is curious. Perhaps previous numbers have had very few neighbours? If my number was 123456 perhaps the only immediate neighbours were 123457 and 223456. If now I had clashes each side that would be 12 immediate neighbours. Given the rise in mobile numbers and presumably fall in land line numbers it does seem bizarre to have more nowadays. Maybe being on Virgin means there is a smaller allocation of numbers which are re-used more frequently than BT do?

]]> http://agraham.org/blog/2009/04/17/wrong-numbers/feed/ 0 Amusing Tale of Protest http://agraham.org/blog/2009/02/28/amusing-tale-of-protest/ http://agraham.org/blog/2009/02/28/amusing-tale-of-protest/#comments Sat, 28 Feb 2009 17:52:10 +0000 Alan G http://agraham.org/blog/?p=245 Mark Steel has written an amusing entry on his blog about taking his kid to an anti-war march and the point where you notice a change in your life.

For some people Mark Steel went from being Double Plus Funny to Double Plus Unfunny overnight. Thankfully I don’t have anyone telling me what to think so can still have my own opinion about such matters.

Poignant and funny at the same time.

Oh for God’s sake, they’re not going to break down the embassy with balsa wood. Then he added Come on dad, let’s get to the gates.

No I think it’s safer to stay here, I advised.

COME ON, he insisted, and we shuffled through the squashed crowd to get nearer the front. Why don’t we all invade the Israeli embassy? he asked, and whoever was stood next to us answered Because the Israeli embassy is better protected than Buckingham Palace.

Well then let’s invade Buckingham Palace, he said.

]]> http://agraham.org/blog/2009/02/28/amusing-tale-of-protest/feed/ 0 Hae a pictur http://agraham.org/blog/2009/02/16/hae-a-pictur/ http://agraham.org/blog/2009/02/16/hae-a-pictur/#comments Mon, 16 Feb 2009 13:12:34 +0000 Alan G http://agraham.org/blog/?p=218 Reports from the weekend have a certain tanned celebrity and his acolytes handing out autographed pictures to kids in Glasgow.

Laughing so hard.

Trying and failing to find any way to describe the ridiculousness of this all whilst masking their identity and making it political…

]]> http://agraham.org/blog/2009/02/16/hae-a-pictur/feed/ 0 Skins in Not Being Shit Shocker! http://agraham.org/blog/2009/02/13/skins-in-not-being-shit-shocker/ http://agraham.org/blog/2009/02/13/skins-in-not-being-shit-shocker/#comments Fri, 13 Feb 2009 13:37:48 +0000 Alan G http://agraham.org/blog/?p=196 Well, I had decided to give Skins one more go before giving up. Episode 3 had been an improvement on 1 and 2 (not hard to be honest) especially with the chilli love. Episode 4 started off pretty well and at one point I heard two lines of dialogue and realised holy crap, Genna asked what was up. Effy and Pandora were talking and they said (paraphrasing):

1. Our mums and dads fuck us up
2. they don’t mean to
1. but they do

It’s the opening lines from the first verse of Philip Larkin – This be the verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

Well, they needed to redeem themselves and they did so. You finally saw some characters settling into a group and some good interactions between people, although it’s still nowhere near as good as series 1 and 2. There is still a hell of a long way to go to even become as good as the worst episodes of season 1 and 2 so it’s earned a reprieve for a few more episodes. Hopefully the end of the season will be amazing and the early episodes will justify themselves on a rewatch with things you miss or don’t think are important on a first watch.

]]> http://agraham.org/blog/2009/02/13/skins-in-not-being-shit-shocker/feed/ 3 So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye http://agraham.org/blog/2009/01/20/so-long-farewell-auf-wiedersehen-goodbye/ http://agraham.org/blog/2009/01/20/so-long-farewell-auf-wiedersehen-goodbye/#comments Tue, 20 Jan 2009 08:20:19 +0000 Alan G http://agraham.org/blog/?p=157 I think that Graham Linehan* sums it up.

* He of Father Ted, Black Books and IT Crowd fame.

]]> http://agraham.org/blog/2009/01/20/so-long-farewell-auf-wiedersehen-goodbye/feed/ 1 Tanned Man Trousers More Dodgy Cash http://agraham.org/blog/2009/01/04/tanned-man-trousers-more-dodgy-cash/ http://agraham.org/blog/2009/01/04/tanned-man-trousers-more-dodgy-cash/#comments Sun, 04 Jan 2009 17:14:47 +0000 Alan G http://agraham.org/blog/?p=120 Seems a certain tanned celeb has taken some money from Silvio Berlusconi, owner of Endemol.

A multimillionaire politician and media tycoon responsible for the harassment and mass fingerprinting of the Roma population in Italy and trying to make himself immune to prosecution for his corrupt terms in power.

After taking a massive amount of cash for a huge spread in the Daily Record including half naked pictures it is unsurprising.

At the weekend I had better things to do, such as attend a protest against the slaughter in Gaza.

]]> http://agraham.org/blog/2009/01/04/tanned-man-trousers-more-dodgy-cash/feed/ 0 Proposition 8 the Musical http://agraham.org/blog/2008/12/11/proposition-8-the-musical/ http://agraham.org/blog/2008/12/11/proposition-8-the-musical/#comments Thu, 11 Dec 2008 20:59:01 +0000 Alan G http://agraham.org/blog/?p=103

Fantastic video starring Jack Black, Sarah Chalke and Neil Patrick Harris.

]]> http://agraham.org/blog/2008/12/11/proposition-8-the-musical/feed/ 0 Committee Rooms no.9 http://agraham.org/blog/2008/12/08/committee-rooms-no9/ http://agraham.org/blog/2008/12/08/committee-rooms-no9/#comments Mon, 08 Dec 2008 20:46:08 +0000 Alan G http://agraham.org/blog/?p=90 When in Glasgow on Sunday night and hunting for a place not fully booked Mike recommended the Committee Rooms in Glasgow. We popped in and it was pretty cool. Some nice pictures on the wall including the Battle of George Square.

Barman asked what we wanted to drink and this exchange amused me no end.

Me: What vodkas do you have?
Barman: Well, if you’re a vodka connoisseur then you can have Grey Goose or Finlandia.
Me: Well seeing as I am and Grey Goose is shite, I’ll have the Finlandia please.
Barman: I have never heard anyone say that about Grey Goose before!

He was genuinely shocked.

For the meal I had their classic burger with piri piri sauce and Emmental cheese. It was grand.

]]> http://agraham.org/blog/2008/12/08/committee-rooms-no9/feed/ 0 Link: spEak You’re bRanes http://agraham.org/blog/2008/11/27/link-speak-you%e2%80%99re-branes/ http://agraham.org/blog/2008/11/27/link-speak-you%e2%80%99re-branes/#comments Thu, 27 Nov 2008 20:59:34 +0000 Alan G http://agraham.org/blog/?p=69 process->output diagram with Daily Mail as the input this is your best bet. My favourite has to be the EUrophobe [...]]]> spEak You’re bRanes is the excellent site which pokes fun at the paranoid, dangerous, delusional and the daft who inhabit the BBC Have your say comment section.

If ever you need to complete the input-> process->output diagram with Daily Mail as the input this is your best bet.

My favourite has to be the EUrophobe who rants about the metric temperature measures. The other excellent parody of this section is the From the message boards section in Private Eye

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